Big Let Down

Today I was at Publix and walked down the ethnic food aisle in search of pinto beans. I walked by coconut milk and saw the label also had the words "coco de leche". Seeing the Spanish word "leche" (milk) reminded me of the La Leche League, a breastfeeding support group. I broke down and cried, right there on aisle six. That was a "defining moment" for me. Once I regained my composure, I knew I had to make a decision about my breastfeeding efforts.

What's the problem, you ask? My coconuts don't make milk. I didn't with Jimi, either. I have heard, though, that with the second child things can be different breastfeeding-wise and so I had hopes that they would be and I would be able to feed Lorin exclusively with breast milk.

Lorin turned three weeks old yesterday and I have done everything in my power to try to make my body a living, breathing milk factory since then. I saw a lactation consultant the Monday following her birth, rented the most expensive Medela hospital-grade pump (all the while praying Jimi wouldn't break it somehow!), went straight to Nurturing Moments for an herbal supplement called More Milk Plus, and kept a positive attitude.

I put in the hard work nursing requires. There is the nurse, burp, change sides, burp, then supplement, burp, more supplement, pump routine. This was a good hour of my day each time. I could cut it down to 35-45 min if someone else fed Lorin the formula. But, I was doing this round the clock every 2 to 2 1/2 hrs.

I remember with Jimi the LC suggested the same herbal supplement and it gave me a headache so bad that I took it back. I tried the capsules this time, rather than the liquid form, hoping it might change the results. It didn't. Which was a bummer, because it did seem to really work after about six days or so. So I asked Dr. Rushing to give me a Reglan prescription, which he did. However, it requires you to eat 1/2 hr after taking them, and I am having a hard time finding my appetite lately. Also, I have a history of PPD and Reglan is not advised for people with a history of depression. So, both of those were out.

I only pump out about 5 ounces a day. Some women are able to do this in one sitting. I guess I am making a little more than that total, because I am also nursing Lorin, but the two times I had her weighed pre and post feeding she only took about 1/2 ounce from the breast total.

I spent the day wondering if I was quitting right before the magic began to happen. You know, right before the break through? I also wondered if throwing in the towel made me less of a mother, less of a woman, less of a believer. Of course, a lot of these feelings are just hormones talking. As a dear friend put it, even though I was trying to give my daughter breast milk for all the right reasons, I was not robbing her of anything because I was deciding to stop for all the right reasons-to be there for her emotionally.

Friday was my first day alone with both children, and I found myself not having time to pump. There was one stretch of the day I spent two hours with Lorin trying to figure out what was wrong, feeding, burping, rocking, changing etc. Jimi was there wanting my attention (and deserving it) as well. He kept bringing me books to read, puzzles to play with, legos, and it broke my heart, because I didn't have the time to do it like I used to. So pumping quickly lost out on the battle for my time.

Without time to pump, what am I really left with, as far as a way to stimulate my body into making more milk? So that is what led me to decide it was time to call it quits

My mom told me that she had to formula feed both my brother and I and we turned out alright. I formula fed Jimi and he is a pretty sharp kid also. I know she'll do just fine on formula. She won't ever remember it, either. And I'll be fine, too.

I have really not ever felt a let down, which ironically, turns out to be a big let down.